One of the first things I did as a professor, in the Fall of 2020, wass to convince my colleagues to host a Humean comparison of snack cakes to determine which is the most aesthetically valuable. We determined that the most aesthetically valuable snack cake is the Hostess Suzy Q. Read on at your own risk.

Snack Cake Championship

University of New Orleans. September 2020.
Written by Danny Shahar.

Cupcake division

September 1 2020

The Cupcake Division Championship is in the books! Drake's Yankee Doodles, Hostess CupCakes, and Little Debbie Chocolate Cupcakes squared off today in the first installment of the Snack Cake Championship Tournament.

In the visual inspection stage, the Little Debbie Chocolate Cupcakes received high marks for their moist, tall appearance. By comparison, the Hostess CupCakes looked flat and dry, and the barren Yankee Doodles looked unfinished and insipid.

Things took a dramatic turn in the taste test, however. The Yankee Doodles impressed the judges with a mild flavor that was not overwhelmingly sweet, although all agreed that the cake itself was dry. The Hostess CupCakes delivered paradigmatic snack cake taste with a heavy punch of sweetness and a nice cocoa-forward flavor. The Little Debbie Chocolate Cupcakes, meanwhile, were a disaster. Their flavor was downright bad, with an off-putting blueberry taste that left everyone bewildered, offended, and hurt. (Jake, a connoisseur of the snack cake genre, didn't make it through half of his.)

In the end, the judges were divided between the Drake's Yankee Doodles and the Hostess CupCakes. JP and I preferred the Yankee Doodles by a substantial margin, while Jake moderately preferred the CupCakes.

WINNER BY SPLIT DECISION: DRAKE'S YANKEE DOODLES

Roll up division

September 3, 2020

The Roll-Up Division Championship results are in! Drake's Yodels, Hostess Ho Hos, and Little Debbie Swiss Rolls battled for their lives in our second Snack Cake Championship Tournament contest.

Little headway was made in the visual inspection. As a lover of milk chocolate, Jake was enthusiastic about the lighter-colored Swiss Rolls; I was attracted to the darker Yodels as a dark chocolate fan. But all judges agreed that each product looked competent and appetizing. (The Yodels had melted together a bit in transit to my house, but we agreed not to hold this against them.) The only red flag had to do with packaging: whereas the Yodels and Swiss Rolls came two-to-a-pack, the Ho Hos were individually wrapped. Alas, it was a warning of what was to come...

As we moved to the taste test, we were pleasantly surprised by the quality of the Swiss Rolls (recalling the cupcake division debacle involving Little Debbie’s grotesque Chocolate Cupcake). The Swiss Rolls were nicely balanced, with a sturdy, flavorful cream filling that provided a nice textural contrast to the cake and fudge coating. The Yodels put in a solid showing as well, significantly dialing down the sweetness and featuring a lighter, fluffier cream filling. Unfortunately, this time it was Hostess’ turn to **** the bed. The Ho Ho was dry and overly sweet, with Jake explaining, “It’s kind of like eating chocolate with sand in it. That’s the problem.” JP (who has long maintained that “The Ho Ho is an abomination”) was clearly vindicated in the eyes of his previously skeptical colleagues.

Between the Swiss Rolls and the Yodels, the judges awarded a clear victory to Little Debbie, primarily on the basis of texture. In the end, the light filling of the Yodel simply did not stand up to its stiff fudge coating, giving the cake an empty and unsatisfying mouth feel. The Swiss Roll, by contrast, excelled in all categories, and will be a dangerous contender in the Finals.

WINNER BY UNANIMOUS DECISION: LITTLE DEBBIE SWISS ROLL

Sandwich division

September 8, 2020

The penultimate round of divisional competition is complete! Drake's Devil Dogs, Hostess Suzy Q’s, and Little Debbie Devil Cremes faced off today for Sandwich Division bragging rights.

From the beginning, this was a disjointed contest. Devil Dogs and Devil Cremes are clearly designed to compete with one another, with thin layers of frosting pressed between narrow, firm layers of cake. Meanwhile, Suzy Q’s are playing a completely different game, lavishing eaters with bounteous (some might even say “sloppy”) quantities of cake and cream that made the other competitors look priggish and prude. (Notice even the punctuation. “Suzy Q’s? Suzy Q’s \*what\*?” you might ask. The package doesn’t say, but you can imagine the answer for yourself.)

On the visual inspection, the most striking difference between the Drake’s and Little Debbie contenders was their moisture content. Whereas the Devil Creme was dry and firm, the Devil Dog was glistening with an oily sheen. (Jake noted that touching it left a “residue” on his finger.) The taste test revealed further differences. The Devil Creme was held together by a sweet, powerfully-flavored filling that tasted more like frosting than the typical cream filling. JP in particular complained about the filling’s texture, insisting that it was “grainy” (though the other judges pointed out that this may have been due to crumbs being mixed into it). For its part, the Devil Dog’s filling was more standard in taste, but it had a smoother consistency that helped it better incorporate with the cake in the mouth. Compared to the stiff, finely-crumbed texture of the Devil Creme cake (which JP found objectionable on the grounds that you actually had to chew it), the Devil Dog was fluffier and (surprisingly, given its sodden appearance) a bit dry. It had a distinctive flavor, which Jake and JP enjoyed but I did not. Finally, the Suzy Q’s cake was midway between the Devil Creme and Devil Dog in texture, with a familiar snack cake flavor. Its real edge came from its filling: a pillowy, sticky, not-too-sweet substance that is similar to marshmallow fluff.

In the end, all of us agreed that the profligate Suzy Q’s had come out on top, with Jake and I insisting that the gap was considerable. In the competition for second place, Jake and JP both significantly preferred the Devil Dogs to the Devil Cremes, whereas I found the Devil Creme marginally preferable. Finally, though, Hostess has provided us with a contender!

WINNER BY UNANIMOUS DECISION: HOSTESS SUZY Q’S

Consolation match
September 14, 2020

Since Danny refused to give up his sweet parking spot ahead of Hurricane Sally's rain, JP and I were forced to brave the pre-landfall elements and conduct the consolation match alone. In the face-off between the Little Debbie cupcake and the Little Debbie devil creme, the devil creme was victorious. But make no mistake, these snack cakes are both terrible.

WINNER BY BEGRUDING ACKNOWLEDGEMENT: LITTLE DEBBIE DEVIL CREME

Frosted division

September 16, 2020

The championship lineup is set! Drake's Ring Dings, Hostess Ding Dongs, and Little Debbie Devil Squares closed out the divisional round of snack cake competition with today’s Frosted Division Championship.

As with the Roll-Up Division, Drake’s and Hostess coated their contenders with a dark chocolate frosting, while Little Debbie opted for a lighter milk chocolate. But Little Debbie had another trick up her sleeve this time: instead of the classic circular “hockey puck” aesthetic of the Ring Dings and Ding Dongs, the Devil Squares featured eight sharp corners and a playful drizzle of chocolate across the top. (They were further distinguished by coming two-to-a-pack rather than being individually wrapped.) Jake in particular was smitten with the packaging and presentation of the Devil Square: the corners; the drizzle; the distinctive yellow box—it all seemed a recipe for domination.

The taste test quickly brought Little Debbie back down to Earth, however. The Devil Squares featured a heavy, mealy cake that brought back the same complaints about “eating straight sand” that brought down the Ho Hos in the Roll-Up Division. Making matters worse, the Devil Squares’ thin layer of frosting left the judges feeling shortchanged if not defrauded. The flavor of the Devil Squares was actually quite good (in my opinion the best of the lot, though a bit too sweet), but the textural problems were simply too great to be overcome.

Unfortunately, the other contenders were flawed as well. The Ring Dings were frosted with a thick, waxy fudge that made for an eating experience similar to an unpeeled Babybel cheese. The cake and cream inside the frosting was quite solid, and the Ring Ding’s aroma was pleasant on the nose. But Jake and I simply could not get past the objectionable coating. For its part, the Ding Dong was largely unremarkable: its fudge coating was thinner; its cake layers typical; and its cream filling shared a bit of the marshmallow fluff consistency with the Suzy Q’s. JP complained that it tasted empty to him, as though he had not actually eaten a snack cake.

By the end of this most consternating round of competition, the Ding Dong had emerged victorious largely by default. Whereas the Devil Squares’ texture and the Ring Dings’ fudge coating were disqualifyingly catastrophic, the Ding Dong did just enough to secure winning votes from Jake and me (with JP mildly preferring the Ring Ding). We can only wish the Ding Dongs the best of luck in the Finals—they will certainly need it.

WINNER BY SPLIT DECISION: HOSTESS DING DONGS

Championship round

September 21, 2020

A champion has been crowned! Today’s Final Round featured a climactic battle between Drake's Yankee Doodles, Hostess Ding Dongs and Suzy Q’s, and Little Debbie Swiss Rolls.

From the very first bites, it was clear that this was going to be a three-way fight. Although the Ding Dongs had emerged victorious from the weak Frosted Division field, they were simply outclassed by the other contenders at this level. Although Jake did manage to finish his Ding Dong by the end of the competition, JP and I set ours quickly to the side, at various points uttering some form of the phrase, “Get the f*** out of here with this bullsh**.”

The other cakes proved much worthier of their championship billing. Returning to the Yankee Doodles, we were impressed by the restraint shown by Drake’s in the level of sweetness. The cake was crumbly and a bit on the dry side, though it did leave a slight residue on the fingers which we have now come to associate with Drake’s products. JP in particular was taken with these cakes. “I feel like I could eat a ton of these,” he remarked at one point. “A good all-day snack cake.”

The Swiss Rolls, by contrast, were much sweeter and creamier, featuring nice proportions of thick filling and excellent chocolate cake encased in a thin outer layer of milk chocolate. Jake was a particular fan of the Swiss Rolls, appreciating again their nice “tongue layers.” JP, however, found himself struggling with this level of sweetness after having consumed so many snack cakes over the last few weeks. In particular, he pointed to the milk chocolate coating as the source of his ire: tasting just the cake and cream on their own, he indicated he would have been much more attracted to an unfrosted version.

The relative ranking of the Yankee Doodles and Swiss Rolls proved to be the most difficult judgment we confronted in judging this competition. JP clearly favored the Yankee Doodles; Jake clearly favored the Swiss Rolls; and I judged that it really came down to whether you were in the mood for something obnoxiously sweet and indulgent (in which case: Swiss Rolls) or whether you are looking for a “snack cake hater’s snack cake” (in which case: Yankee Doodles—or, better yet, don’t eat a GD snack cake).

The choice of an overall champion was less difficult, as each of us ultimately found the sloppy, bounteous Suzy Q’s to be irresistible. Although JP again remarked that, at this point, the sweetness had become a bit more than ideal, he acknowledged that the excellent, spongy cake and messy, fluffy filling were an unbeatable combination. Jake likewise agreed that the Suzy Q’s edged out his beloved Swiss Rolls. And I found the Suzy Q’s to simply dominate the rest of the field. So, there you have it, folks: the absolute greatest American mass produced chocolate snack cake of our time.

WINNER BY UNANIMOUS DECISION: HOSTESS SUZY Q’S